Dear Diary (-LOL-)

Attention please: This is my historically first attempt to make an actual journal entry. Yes, a real journal entry! I have started optimistically with downloading a bunch of new icons – now let´s see how much it will suck, shall we?

Firstly and foremostly, I would like to let everyone know that no matter how little personal stuff I have shared here on LJ so far, I have been known to abuse another service daily and spread myself thin over there. Hereby, I admit I am a facebook junkie. It started quite innocently less than two years back, when I worked as a trainee in the European Commission and all the other trainees had it already. They would constantly put the photos from our common mischiefs on FB, instead of mailing them to me, so I eventually had to join to see them... If only I had known what was going to happen :)

Therefore if anyone has it, I will be delighted if you add me! Just write who you are on LJ, so I would not accidentally cancel your request.

My profile is under „Martina Kometa“, direct link here:
http://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#/martina.kometa?ref=profile

As opposed to FB, Myspace had never done it for me, not even when I was young, probably mostly because everyone´s page is so overloaded with blinkiness and stuff that makes my head spin. It is also sort of embarassing to not be able to prettify my profile there, as I suck at html and it would be so poor in comparison. On the other hand, it would be handy to have for the sake of keeping track of my favourite bands (or rather their concert dates). I am vague...

This might be funny to some of you, but I also dislike email. I used to like it when it was the only way to communicate, but now I have days when I literally fear to open it, because all the bad things come to me through email, while all the good things find other ways. In my mailbox, there usually is: 1) spam, 2) new work to do or emails from work, 3) occasional hatemail, 4) other duties like „come to the rehersal two hours earlier“ from my dancegroup, 5) reminders of unpaid bills from the phone company, 6) notes about stuff I ordered online, 7) refusals from jobs I applied for, 8) mails from my uni proffessors, 9) offers for things I would like to buy and have no money for, and so forth, and so on. Does anyone else feel the same way? Like their mailbox is not worthy of opening anymore? LOL.

I have been thinking about how I wanted to approch LJ, more precisely how I wanted to prevent negativity from becoming prevalent. In the end, I decided that I would go through my photos and post one shot of any occasion when I was enjoying myself and one picture of something beautiful I have seen in each post. Thereby I would remind myself of the good times too, no matter how much recent mental crap I needed to unload. And I will start as soon as today (my apologies to everyone who thinks it makes the entry too image heavy).

BEAUTY:

This is the lamp-framed staircase leading to the chateau in a small town called Valtice, located in my general area. Taken in the summer of 2006. The castle was owned by the Lichtenstein family. It is one of those places I always take foreign visitors to, because in the Lednice-Valtice area, there are two lovely chateaus and one fake castle just a few kilometers away from each other, which means you can fit a lot into one day.

FUN:

Quite incidentally, this is the same year, several months earlier. My best friend Lucy´s birthday celebration, Spring 2006, she turned 22. From left to right: Hannah (Lucy´s bff from highschool) and her partner, Lucy and myself. It is one of the very, very few photos where you can spot me with almost blonde hair. It was just an experiment. And no, I don´t smoke. I am actually laughing there because they have just bullied me into returning them the cigarettes I had previously hidden, so that they would not blow smoke into my face.

Another positive thing: I have finally retrieved my new passport. I had it made in June and immediately entirely forgot about it (come on, they told me it would take a month, one moth is much longer than the period for which information is stored in my brain!) until last week, when it randomly popped up in my head. Fortunately, they still had it at the office, and I was surprised my horrible photo looked much better than I had thought, because it is black and white. (I had originally believed that they would use photos I brought with me, as usually, but it was the new system where they take a digital shot and add fingerprints. You can imagine the horror when I realized I would have to live 10 years with THAT shot I was totally unprepared for in my passport. They had mercy on my and when they saw the state of my hair in the first one they took, they allowed me to fix it and take a new one.)

On my way home, I stopped at the office of my mobile phone provider and tried to change my settings. We shall see if my bills will stop killing me now. It is unbelievable, I don´t call at all unless it is really necessary and yet, as it is, I have to pay as much as 50 Euro a month. Apparently I have the option to pick three numbers I use the most often, and those I will be able to dial for free. These settings are called – to my great amusement - „call home“. LOL. I definitely will NOT be using the number of anyone of my family for it, nah, I don´t need free minutes for THEM, thank you very much.

Silence. The oppressing, heavy kind of silence that bears the darkest foreboding. The silence before the storm.

The leaves of the ancient trees, reaching so high that their branches entirely cover the sky, thus wrapping all life underneath into eternal darkness, are soundlessly moving in a light breeze. It is neither chilling, nor warm. Life exists here without doubt, although it has chosen not to be seen or heard. At odd moments, the ear can almost catch a fragment of a sound... no... more like a feeling. A dreadful suspicion that countless unblinking reptilian eyes are observing the scene from their hideouts, that clawed paws are soundlessly treading on the mildly damp soil in smaller and smaller circles, that the branches above would, if need be, make way to flocks of malicious beaked creatures without any forewarning.

In a world such as this, things aren't quite what they seem from the outside. Deep within, the stench of death that cannot be stopped lingers, filtering through the air like an ever-present truth. In a world where wolf eats wolf, an innocent, beating heart is the most tender and sought after of trophies.

And, amidst of the nightmare land, we find the most curious thing: a child. It may be five years old, or as young as two or three, the serene expression making it seem older. Definitely, it is still in pre-school age. The jet-black hair cut in the pot-like hairstyle that most boys wear until they find their own style is the only clue from which it can be guessed the child is male. From under the fringe, two eyes of an unusual violet color are observing the surroundings. The eyes seem to be the only thing about the boy that is moving, the only part of his body that is, somehow, alive.

The boy is sitting calmly, obediently in the middle of a tiny meadow, on a carpet of the softest fresh green grass, cushion-like moss and occasional cloverleaf. In a place never graced by a single sunray, such a perfect natural bed should not exist, and it is safe to assume it has been created there by an unknown force especially for the sake of the child. It is as if Nature herself wanted to accept the tiny one, cradle him in her arms and ease his earthly suffering.

For reasons unknown, he is wrapped into a kimono far too huge for a child of his age, one that must have belonged to a grown-up man or woman previously. It is pooling around him in the form of a small lake, snowwhite, splashed with crimson... not quite flowers, not quite regular spots. Only on closer look one might find out, that those patterns have not been created by the tailor. They are painted by blood, flowing from wounds on the boy´s body, hidden from sight under the cloth.

It surely is a monstrous, intricate way to kill the small being, for if he will not bleed out soon, the fresh blood is going to attract the mysterious inhabitants of the primeval forest. The ancient beasts are drawn to it like moths to light, they are creeping out of their hideouts in the alleyways of death outside of society, and they are always hungry. And when they approach, a wild mix of scaled, winged or furry species, some of which are only known to humanity from myths and legends, the tree branches don´t need to stand apart, because they are passing right through them, through the leaves, through the trunks, unbound by a physical body yet frighteningly material in their appearance.

The universe stands still, holding a collective breath. Then, a child´s scream pierces through the darkness.

They say that before death, the entire life passes in front of your eyes in reversed order. If that is true, maybe there is logic in the way D regains all memories of who he was in his previous life, and who he would be forced to become again, chronologically. In maybe less than a minute, they return to him violently, parading one after another in a pathetic entourage - birth to death - and revealing the painful truth of his life.

*

                When the sunrays slither between the heavy branches, cre ating a soft curtain of shining pearls, the last shades of darkness having disappeared with the speed of flying stars, their light reveals an unmoving body of a young male spread on the moss. The kimono fits him perfectly. His raven hair is so long and thick that even if he were laying there without the robe, he would be entirely covered. The moss has changed color to crimson, having soaked up the child´s blood.

                A single ray idly tickles his eye-lids, then slides down to the red, red mouth. The man´s eyes open wide, catching the light and sparkling like amethyst. He takes a deep breath, which startles him profoundly as if it were his first one. Nevertheless, he manages to gain control over his body and scrambles to his feet, making a few experimental steps.

                The light slowly proceeds further, passing the body, and reaches the other end of the clearing. There, under a group of ancient trees, appears a figure of another man – a carbon copy of the first one, if not for his shorter hair and odd golden eyes, as cold as the expensive metal they resemble.

                „Father“, the young man speaks. There is recognition in his voice, with just a little touch of anxiety, sadness and anger. „We can decide the form of our reincarnation“, he keeps on calmly, but the underlying anger is now obvious to hear. „You had no right to take that choice from me.“

                „It was a mistake that needed to be fixed“, the other man dismisses the previous statement with ease, stepping forward. „I do not expect you to thank me that I did not let you live a life alongside our worst enemies. You have never learnt to appreciate the right things. But if you are inclined, you are welcome to do so.“

                Several minutes pass before the younger of the two collects the strength to speak again. Within those minutes, the anger so clearly written in his face is replaced by an ironic grin, followed by misery, then finally defeat. „It will never end... will it?“ he asks silently.

                The father doesn´t hestistate for a moment.

„Nothing ever ends. Everything goes on.“ His voice is absolutely detached and somehow ominous.

Bloody routine. Each day exactly the same like the one before. I was beginning to feel like a damn bank accountant or a shopkeeper. On the other hand, it´s got to be a better job than mine searching or, God forbid, watching nobody´s zone. Actually, I´ve been doing that for about a month, and I still have to fight the urge to piss my pants each time a hear a dog bark. So, compared to that, the routine was okayish.

Each morning, me and two other guards were assigned a group of five, whom we would order to dig a hole. If we gave them a couple of kicks now and then, the work was done by lunchtime. We didn´t even get our hands dirty. After the lunch, though, a problem arose: how to cover the hole again? One buddy thought we could bring in the next day´s bout and have them do it, but we had to drop that idea. It tented to kind of fuck up their esprit. They were quick to gather what was in store for them and began to fight or complain, which didn´t do much good.

The 12th November was the worst day of all. We were particularly pissed off because of the humidity. And then there were the tiny ones we got that morning. They weren´t even strong enough to work with shovels, which is why they had to paw the soil with their small, uneffective hands. The hole was still not deep enough around 4 pm. Whose stupid idea was it, anyway, to put together a group from three skinny schoolboys and two girls, who looked they´d be exhausted after pulling a wooden horse across the yard.

„Holy shit!“ the corporal yelled and gave one of the girls a kick in the face.

„How constructive“, I commented dryly.

„Is the rain ever gonna end?“ my buddy sighed, pulling the stock of his raincoat higher.

„In two days, we should only have showers and slightly cloudy“, I reported what I´d heard on the radio, offering him a cancer stick. I tried to strike about four times. Nothing. We both gave a resigned laugh.

„I think I´m getting a cold“, he sighed.

„What are you two mumbling about?“ the corporal shouted in our direction.

„That our asses are getting wet!“ I yelled back.

„Yeah. Screw it“, the corporal agreed and shrugged like a dog.

„Actually, we could“, my buddy was thinking aloud. He must have been really about to catch a nasty cold. „At least for a while, you know, go in for a bit of hot soup and coffee.“

„I´d kill for a cup of black coffee“, the corporal moaned longingly.

„There´s just the instant one left“, the buddy said, spoiling the corporal´s already black mood. All of us made a face.

„Well, do we really want to be stuck here till dark just because of something that doesn´t even deserve to be called coffee?“ I asked.

Buddy gave the hole a judging look. „It´s gonna be finished within half an hour“, he decided. „If we have a short break now, we´ll be done by nightfall.“

„Sure, and the corporal will cover it for us, right?“ I kept on with my cynicism. „And what if they take off? One of us would have to stay here to watch them.“ Although the little brats looked like their bones would shatter at the tiniest wind blow, give them a glimpse of hope and they´ll jump out of the hole like monkeys.

„No way“, the corporal opposed, knowing too well whom we´d have voted for. „Let´s finish them right now.“

We shook our heads no. The hole was not nearly deep enough. The mental image of having to get down into the cold slimy mud myself and dig made me shiver in disgust.

„How about taking them into the cottage and locking them in the storage?“ I offered.

„Eeeeew... I couldn´t get anything down my throat with them stinking up the whole place.“ This time it was my buddy who opposed.

„While you two asses are arguing, I have a bloody ocean in my boots!“ The corporal´s eyes glowed with insanity and, without warning, he knelt down at the edge of the hole and shot one of the girls right between her eyes.

„Good idea“, the buddy nodded. I wasn´t sure whether or not there was any irony in it. „She was barely moving“, the corporal tried to defend himself. „We can leave them here one, they are chained together. They won´t get very far, dragging the corpse along. Hm?“

„Okay“, I said wearily.

It was heavenly to get rid of the soaked boots. We were waiting for the water to start boiling, getting more and more dry and comfortable by minute. I kept checking the hole with one eye, though. If a single one escaped, the sergeant would chew our balls. Thankfully, four wet heads were still sticking out of the hole.

Having to come back there didn´t allow us to relax fully. There was nothing to talk about. We were going to have to keep doing this for God knows how long, which was even worse. I glanced out of the window again. I don´t know why, but I suddenly had a silly idea.

„Can we take one of the tiny ones inside and give him a mug of warm milk?“

Buddy nearly dropped his gun. „Why on Earth would we wanna do that?“

„To ask him about his health?“ the corporal snorted.

I had been sure that he´d be amused at that. And that it would get a rise out of my buddy. Maybe thats what I´d aimed for. And maybe I´d just wanted something, anything, to break the monotony of daily murdering.

„It might spunk him up. Then he´ll be digging like a mole and we´ll be finished sooner.“

„Better keep them empty“, buddy insisted. „I´m not gonna watch him shit his pants.“

„Doesn´t matter...“ the corporal grinned. „We´ll off him right in the hole anyway.“ He seemed to be happy that my idea had angered someone, and, just out of fun, he said: „Go get yourself one.“

Buddy shook his head. „Idiots.“

With a sigh, I slid into my raincoat and run out into the rain again. As expacted, the kids weren´t digging. With nobody poking them with a gun, they immediately became lazy. As I was making my way towards the hole, they begun to work hurriedly. The water was reaching way above their knees, so they couldn´t even sit down in there. They shared a long chain. The girl on one end was offed. On the other end, there was an approximately ten years old boy. I picked him.

„Hey, you“, I pointed the gun at him. „Aren´t you thirsty?“ I decided it might be better to hide the gun under the coat, and I leaned into the hole. Grabbing the kid by his arm and hair, I pulled him over the edge like a frog and unlocked him. I almost fell headfirst into the hole myself.

„Don´t you try to run“, I warned him, as I dragged his body to the cottage. He didn´t respond, but followed me like a dog.

„Welcome, your highness“, the corporal smirked sarcastically from his spot at the stove. Buddy stubbornly refused to look up. I pushed the boy into the room. He was constantly staring into the ground, not really pushing his existence on us. I noticed there were only three chairs around the small table. I grinned and gestured for him to sit on my chair, facing the buddy, while I simply leant on the wall myself.

„Here you go, guys... Bon Appetite“, the corporal beamed on us, putting the soup in front of my buddy, then the mug of milk in front of our prisoner. There was steam rising from both the mug and the boy.

I was waiting for something to happen, while the kid was staring into the mug. Had there been a barrel of a gun instead of the mug, he´d have stared into it with the same enthusiasm. Despite that, I knew he had to be longing for that drink. Who knows when he´d drunk or eaten for the last time?

„Come on, you can have a drink“, I smiled at him a tad too friendly.

„DRINK!!“ the corporal roared.

„Fuck, stop bellowing like that“, the buddy growled, „I nearly got a stroke.“ But the kid reacted on a direct order. With shaking fingers, he lifted the mug. I noticed the fingers were somewhat bloody and covered by thick mud. I looked away pointedly.

The little bastard drunk his milk on ex, then resumed the staring. There were white whiskers under his snotty little nose now. I hoped he wasn´t about to throw up, because the buddy hated all disgusting bodily processes, and he´d have undoubtedly shot the boy on the spot.

„Well, it must be some excellent milk“, I said, just to lighten the gloomy atmosphere. „I might have a bit myself.“ With that, I walked over to the stove and poured myself a mug. I smelled it before tasting it. „Young man, you don´t have any taste“, I grinned at the boy. „It´s actually pretty adulterated.“

„You´re a cow udder expert now?“ the corporal joked without turning around.

„Sure thing“, I smiled. „I used to work in the dairy before war.“

„For real?“ the buddy wondered. „I always thought you had some degree...“

„It was just a summer job, when I was at the college“, I explained. „How about you, shorty?“ I asked the kid. „What were you doing before the war?“

„A bunker“, the boy whispered.

„So you wanted to be an architect?!“ the corporal snorted.

„Me and my friends, we also tried to build a bunker when I was small“, my buddy said suddenly.

„Yep. There were three of us, and we were supposed to have our own window each. One friend of mine had such a lovely view into a valley where the doves liked to come in the evening. The other one saw the forest from his window. I yelled at them, why the fuck should I be staring into the field? I brought the wood and glass for mine AND your windows. And they were like, but why if they´d attack us from that side? We need to have all sides covered.“

„Who would have attacked you?“ the corporal asked.

„The Germans. At that time, it was always the Germans attacking in the movies.“ It was the first time I saw my buddy laugh in a long time.

„And did you win?“

„Dunno. We never got it finished.“

When the soup was eaten, the time came to finish our work. Back into the raincoats, back into the downpour. But we´d warmed up and cheered up a bit. The cloudy sky had already begun to darken, so we threw the kid back into the hole and let the tiny ones dig for a while. Twenty minutes later, the buddy decided it had to be enough, pulled out his gun and got ready to shoot.

Then, the troubles started. It was bad enough that he started from the left – usually, we shoot the line from the right. So, he offed the second girl. Then it was my turn. I took down the boy next to her. The corporal chose the other boy, and then there was only our kid left, the one we´d taken into the cottage.

„Finish the last one“, the buddy grumbled, directing it to the corporal.

„Why me? It´s your turn. You off him!“

It felt somewhat awkward. The kids didn´t argue who of them would die first, either.

„Just do it, you two idiots!“ I urged them.

„He´s yours“, the buddy turned to me with a blank expression. „You fucking brought him into the cottage, so he´s yours.“

„True that“, the corporal joined him, happy that this time it wasn´t him who ended up as the single one in a one against two argument.

„And I had three yesterday, so you can have them today.“ I didn´t let him talk me into it.

„Yeah, but they weren´t ...“ What? Children?

A plane roared somewhere over our heads, cutting the argument short.

„Hey, you asshats“, I started as soon as the noise was gone.

„Yeah? Let´s hear another one of your smart ass ideas“, the buddy gave me a mighty sour grin. I returned it.

„Let´s do it like this. We´ll count to three and then all of us load it into him at the same time. Fair, isn´t it?“

„How about the bullets? The sergeant will punish us for wasting munition.“

„Think he´ll be checking our chargers? Come on. Let´s get this done with.“

The three of us knelt down and pressed the guns to the boy´s tousled hair.

„One“, my buddy said hoarsely.

„Two...“

„Three!“ I yelled into the neverending rain and closed my eyes.

This was written for the 3rd November challenge in the Brigits Flame community. The prompt was:

ACCIDENTALLY PERFECT

At two in the morning, lights were still up in the big hall in Chasewell mansion. A mixed company had gathered around the round table – a group of about ten men and women of ages fifteen to sixty. Most of them were showing clear signs of tiredness, and while the older participants of the little gathering were trying to hide theirs, the teenage girl was yawning without even covering her mouth, letting everyone know she really wanted to be someplace else.

„What do we have so far, Lisa?“ a bearded man asked, bringing everyone´s attention to a slim woman in her late twenties, who was perched on the edge of an antique chair, bending over a piece of paper. Around her feet, several discarded pieces were scattered, crumpled up into balls. The woman run a hand through her shoulder lenght hair nervously and began to read aloud like an obediant child at school.

„In the night of the 19^th October 2009 our beloved mother, grandmother and aunt, Helen Chasewell left us forever...“

„Sounds pretty pathetic“, the teenage girl said with an eye roll. Helen would have slapped her in that instant, were she able to.

„She died of old age at the respectable age of 87...“ Lisa continued, too weary to mind the interruption.

„I don´t like the old age thing“, an elderly man in a grey two-piece argued. As he spoke, sweat-drops were collecting on his wrinkled forehead. „Let´s put -died peacefully in her sleep- or something nice and polite like that.“

Thank you, Robert, Helen thought, although she was sure her son-in-law had only raised the complaint because at 61, age was already becoming a touchy subject for him, too. He had never been a thoughtful man.

„Got it“, Lisa stated firmly and continued reading, absentmindly twisting the pen in her fingers. „She was the founder of the HC business company, owning over 5600 chain stores in the United States. She was the eleventh richest American and at one point the richest woman in the world. Helen died with an estimated net worth of $16.4 billion that will pass to charity over the next few years.”

God, just why did everyone mention money first? Everyone on the world was crazy about money, but for Helen herself. Other people would naturally tell her that was because she never had to actually worry about lacking it, but Helen sometimes nurtured bittersweet memories of times when the burden of great fortune hadn´t rested heavily on her shoulders... when she had been able to afford other dreams.

“Helen was the wife of David Chasewell, the famous Broadway director. They were married March 1940 and, despite being an unlikely match (Helen had never been interested in culture, while her husband knew little about finances) stayed together until David´s death in 2001.”

That´s not true! I loved theatre above all! Helen exclaimed, but nobody heard her. All those old memories were suddenly fresh for her, like if it had all happened just a day ago: applying for a musical school and being refused, hundreds of humiliating auditions, sweat and tears. Then, later, pleading with her husband. (-Just a small role. Just this once! Everyone else does it, so why can´t you? - Honey, I´m sorry but you really have no talent at all. Why don´t you go and do something you´re really good at... like making money?)

“She was a woman of unusual intelligence, which can be observed already on her graduation marks, which were the best of her class. She obtained a MA degree in business.”

Oh yes, she remembered how that came about, too. All the way through school, her mother had been forcing her to study and maintain excellent grades. Helen longed to be popular, and she would often complain about men fearing women more intelligent than them, but her parents swept her argumets off the table very quickly. (-Helen, darling, you aren´t very pretty... you have to be smart at least, don´t you think?)

“Helen left behind four children and six grandchildren, who she had been taking excellent care of, mastering the combined role of businesswoman and mother to perfection.”

Perfection, indeed. They didn´t remember, couldn´t remember the many times she cried out of exhastion, the many times she cursed her husband who wasn´t happy with one daughter or even two daughters, who simply NEEDED a heir. Oh, Helen loved her children. She´d always wished only the best for them. Only... sometimes she´d thought that not having them would have been the best for her.

"Generous as only she could be, Helen left most of her possessions to charity..."

"What?!" The teenage girl finally woke up from her slumber and jumped up, overthrowing the chair. "You mean we aren´t getting anything? Papa, why didn´t you tell me!"

"Stop it, Arlen", a thunderous voice echoed through the room. The man, probably her father, seemed to want to hit her in his rage, and Arlen sat down with a stuck up pout. "I won´t let you bash your grandmother. She was an amazing, perfect woman."

Accidentally perfect, Helen thought for herself. Perfect in everything she never wanted, less than average in things where her passion lay. And now...

IT IS TIME TO GO, the voice reminded her gently, but firmly. I HAVE LET YOU LINGER FOR MUCH LONGER THAN WHAT THE RULES SAY.

The light in the room went off. Arlen squealed. An older woman crucified herself. Lisa took her father´s hand into hers.


And now, Helen said bitterly, it is definitely too late.

A smoke-filled alley in Chinatown harbors Count D's Pet Shop. Nobody can tell exactly how long it has been standing there - some residents swear they have been seeing its ornate door as far back as their memory goes, some cannot recall walking past it just a day ago. Although the owner, a mysterious young Chinese man, prides himself in selling everything from the common cats and dog up to species that just barely scrape by the Washington Convention, rumor has it that when the darkness falls, different kind of transactions take place under the ancient roof. The suspicions vary in their nature. Widely discussed are drug dealing, smuggling and prostitution.

Very few are allowed to learn the truth, to step behind the curtain, explore the labyrinth of dimly lit corridors and choose the only door out of dozens that leads to their fate. The quest for their perfect pet is a journey into the very soul of human nature. If they succeed, their reward comes in the form of a magical creature with an exclusive contract. It is the responsibility of each individual not to breech it... If the contract is broken, the Count cannot be held accountable for whatever consequences may occur.

*****

It is late summer afternoon. The Californian sun is still strong enough to cast its rays through the curtains and thin the darkness of the front room, clouding it into golden half-light in which dancing particles of dust can be spotted. Dressed into a handmade cheongsam with a flowery pattern, the Count is busy with preparing tea. His slender hands are darting between the China with unusual skill. He slows down for a while, bending down to take in the aroma raising from the can, and a pleased smile appears on his lips. Tea would be ready in just a couple of minutes, its a new jasmine and peppermint blend, and maybe... maybe he could have one of those delicious fruit tarts with it.

The flow of customers has slowed down at this time of day, therefore nothing can disturb the ritual he likes to perform every few hours...

Then, stomping worth a couple of overgrown elephants shake the flight of stairs in front of the shop and the door flies open, crashing into the wall with a loud thud. „Hey, D!“

... nothing but a loud, obnoxious, yet oddly likeable blond American detective.

„Mr. Detective.“ The count turns around with a polite smile, smoothening the folds of his dress. „You never, ever miss tea-time, do you? What can I do for you today?“ The mildly annoyed question belongs to the little teasing game they like to play together. A game of pretense that D is not glad to see Leon, and that Leon actually came for a purpose, not just because he felt the urge to stop by for a chat.

„Well... for starters, could you bring a couple more cups?“ Leon asks, and D realizes that he is holding the door open for someone to enter.

„Oh, we have guests... how nice, please welcome!“ Having put the mask on, D assembles the entire China set on a plate and carries it to the small table in the centre of the room. Under the smile, he is wondering what sort of nuisance Leon is going to impose on him today. Hopefully not another child he would have to watch, the pet shop certainly isn´t a nursery.

Having laid out the tea and the desserts, D raises his eyes and is thoroughly shocked by the sight of the detective, escorting two identical females in. Two identical females, fused from the upper thorax to lower body. „I´ve been down in Chinatown, doing my rounds“, Leon starts to explain, leaning on the armchair, because the twins have taken his favourite spot on the sofa, „and what I don´t see like a bunch of shitfaced punks messing with these women!“ His cheeks are burning with righteous anger. „They kept throwing stones and stuff, run away when they saw my car. Mary and Margaret didn´t wanna go to the station with me tho, but I couldn´t of left them out in the streets. Cause those buggers might ´ave returned, right?“

„I see. So you brought them to my shop“, D nods, stating the obvious. Leon shruggs – it sure seemed to him as the most logical option. After all, the count was used to weirdness.

„And you haven´t even thought of introducing us first?“ He leans across the table, offering his feminine hand to the twins. „I am Count D, currently in charge of this shop.“ They take turns in shaking the hand, cheeks a little flushed, as the count´s charm works on everybody. „Mary Sturgesse.“ „Margaret. Nice to meet you.“ Their voices sound exactly the same.

„My pleasure, ladies. Please, everyone, have some tea, it should be just about the right temperature.“ Leon finally sinks into the armchair, the delightful little pillow crying under his weight. He completely ignores the risen eyebrow D is giving him and almost overthrows the table, reaching for his cup. „Careful Leon“, the count says gravely, „the set can be traced back to the Ming dynasty.“ Leon snorts at that.

D´s nerves are slightly aggitated, thus he decides to calm himself by devouring some of those delicious desserts. Sugar has the same effect on him drugs usually have on humans. „Would you like some?“ he asks, scooping two fruit tarts onto his plate.

„Yes please...“ Mary says almost inaudibly, „it may actually be our last one...“

„Don´t speak like that!“ Margaret´s voice is sharp, and she actually jerks at that, which means that the body of her sister moves with her. An altogether strange sight. „How many times do I have to tell you that everything´s gonna be just fine?“

„What do you mean, your last...?“ Leon asks with his usual lack of sensitivity, his eyes drifting from the women to D. Judging by the sad look in the count´s mismatched eyes, he already used the high level of empathy nature had gifted him with. He knows.

„The reason we came to L.A. is that the best surgeons in the field we need live here. One of us wants to blow up his ego on our case and offered us free help“, Mary says in a cynical tone. She is chasing the cake up and down the plate. „We are going to be separated tomorrow morning“, Margaret clarifies.

„I see...“ The count leans his pointy chin on his hand, inspecting the women´s eyes with the intention to find the windows to their respective souls. „Forgive me my rudeness, but are you sure you have made the correct decision? I suspect, after spending your entire life in unity, it might be extremely difficult to...“

„Cut it off, D“, Leon interrupts him, smirking at his own smart-ass idea. „Imagine how badly it would suck to not be able to even take a piss without somebody else looking. Hey, congrats girls. I´m sure you´ll make it, and you´ll have a blast.“ If looks could kill, Leon would have been laying dead under D´s feet that very moment. As it is, he can just close his eyes for a while and shut the count out.

Mary shakes her head, suppressing a sob. „It´s not like that. I´ve never wanted it. It is her wish...“ A single tear escapes her eye and makes it down to her chin. At that point, the count places his hand over hers in a comforting gesture, asking softly: „Would you maybe like a pet that might make you feel better in the painful days after...?“

„I am not sure how long we´ll be gone... or if we´ll come back, at all“, Mary says in a shaky voice, but it is obvious she is not opposed to the idea. „It probably wouldn´t be wise to acquire a pet right now.“

„I do have the perfect pet for you... one for each of you, to be precise“, D insists gently. „They would be waiting for you here, in my care, until you can collect them. No harm done. If you would follow me to the back, please...“

Expectantly, the siamese twins trail after the Count. It takes Leon a minute to catch up and grab D by the golden collar. „I hope you´re not gonna sell them something tacky, counts?!“ There´s an open treat in his voice – he may be tactless, but has a heart of gold and feels responsibily for the two. „Tacky?!“ D wonders, brushing Leon´s hand off like a fly. „We sell love and dreams here, Leon-san, nothing else. Maybe you would care to come along, though, if your trust in me is so low?“

They walk through the darkened labyrinth of corridors, taking various staircases, passing dozens of doors, each of them adorned by different ornaments which seem to be moving in the everpresent clouds of incence, each of them surrounded by red light from chinese lanterns. The twins are dazed and slightly fearful, Leon is simply trying to analyze how in Hell is it possible that all of it fits into the pet shop, seemingly so small from the outside. Finally, the count comes to a halt and ushers them into a large hall that strongly resembles a ballroom.

Laughter and music echoes around them, and through the incence-induced haze, the humans can see a large group of people in elaborate robes, feathers adorning their flawless hairstyles. Some of them are swirling together in a dance, some are gathered around tables full of fruit, nibbling on grape wine or sliced oranges. A couple runs towards them to welcome the count and his guests, arms outstretched.

„Where are we?“ asks one of the twins.

„And... who are all these people?“ the other adds, subconsciously clinging to her sister.

„People?“ the count wonders with a smile, waving his hand. „There are only birds here, a variety of the rarest species from the entire world.“ At that gesture, the incence dissolves and an enormous glasshouse amidst of which they are standing is revealed to their eyes. What had looked like balconies before seem to be birds nests in the branches, the music takes form of countless bird songs mingling together into one powerful melody, the laughter must have been a voice of a particularly skilled parrot, and the movement of majestic colorful wings could have been easily confused with waltzing pairs.

„These two belong to you“, D raises an outstretched arm and a pair of multicolored birds descend from the trees to rest on it as if it were a perch. The sisters immediately identify them as a pair of those dancers due to their bright red and lilac feathers combined with white wings and a yellow choker around the neck.

„They are simply wonderful...“ Mary sighs in awe.

„What are they?“ Margaret inquires. „I´ve never seen such kind of bird in my life...“

„And she watches National Geographic with passion“, Mary adds. „I always fall asleep.“

As they approach to pet the birds, one of them moves up D´s arm, and everyone except for D takes a sharp, shocked breath. „...the Hell is that!“ Leon exclaims, slightly put off, pointing at the creatures. „Whatever happened to them?!“ When cuddled together, the birds looked absolutely normal, he thinks, if not spectacular. However, once separated, one could clearly see their deformities. Each of them only had a single wing and a single eye. Now, they were trying to turn their heads pitifully, losing balance and finally nestling back together.

„The Jian bird is a sacred kind among the Chinese“, the count replies smoothly, petting the birds gently in order to calm them down. „This is exactly the way it is supposed to look, the way it has been looking for centuries. There is not many of them in the world, you will certainly understand the reason. A single individual of this kind cannot last long in a world where survival of the fittest is a law. Only if they find their other half, they can fully see. Only together, they are able to fly. They are fully dependant on their partner, and as such, they represent the symbol of unity. In nature, if one of them should leave this world, the other is lost.“

The young women are silent, but Mary lifts her arm, so that she could accept the gift. D slowly places the pair onto her wrist, one by one. „I understand where you´re going to, count“, Margaret blurts out suddenly. „But I have to insist on this. Not because I think I´ll be better of without Mary. No, I love my sister, and God knows there were moments I wondered how it would be like to have a normal life, but never enough to let it separete us.“ She is looking into the ground intently, collecting strenght. „I have been diagnosed with cancer. Mary doesn´t have it, yet. I don´t want it to spread on her, though. I´ll be recieving chemotherapy, too. Our system of veins is interconnected, which means that each time I get my treatment, I will be pumping poison into Margaret. I simply cannot have that. I couldn´t live with myself!“

Mary is crying again, but Margaret seems to be feeling better now that she got it out of her system. „Please, keep them for us, in any case...“ she says. „I will“, D promises, watching Mary put the birds back into their nest. „With the love you hold for each other, they could not wish for better owners. I am glad I have not been mistaken in you.“

„We aren´t like the birds. Not totally“, Margaret says firmly upon leaving. „Mary has her own set of eyes and arms. I want to give her the chance.“ „We both have a chance“, Mary corrects her, having taken over some of her sister´s mental strenght.

*****

When Leon enters the shop next evening and slumps down on the sofa, he finds tea already prepared, this time with fruit and chocolate chip cookies to go with it. D is just entering through the back door, carrying a heavy object, hidden under a dark blanket. „Hey counts“, Leon grins, helping himself to some sweets. „Have you heard from Mary and Margaret yet?

„Good evening, Leon. No, not really, I have not.“ The Chinese man fakes a smile, but it visibly costs him some effort this time. „Just in time for tea, again...“

„Shouldn´t we like... call the hospital? Whatcha think?“

D doesn´t answer that, but puts object he had been holding on the table and pulls of the cloth covering it. It is a golden cage. A single Jian bird is sitting inside, looking miserable. It is hiding behind its wing, as if ashamed for its sudden incompleteness.

Leon puts the cup down, because the tea has grown bitter for him. He may not be empathic like the count, but this time, even he understands.

Another entry for the wonderful community,
http://community.livejournal.com/brigits_flame/ ,
because I made it through week 1.

Week 2 topic is NAVEL. Hearing this word, the first thing I imagined was the naval cord. Thus, it is obvious that my contribution to this prompt will deal with issues of the closest family imaginable.


NAVEL CORD


Their table in the corner is the darkest one in the entire café. Neither of the two women minds. Darkness means privacy. On this place, their secrets will be protected.

The women are leaning over the table in order to hear each other comfortably without having to speak up, heads almost touching. The jet black curls of their wiry hair and the dark skin of their hands (each of them has placed one slim, cocoa-colored hand neatly on the table) hint at african descent. Both of them have chosen to wear a black skirt, although one of them has complemented it with an elegant black jumper, while the other one is sporting a black satin blouse.

When a young waiter approaches, their voices immediately fade, and two sets of matching eyes, green with a shade of hazel, look up questioningly. They make the impression of conspirators, interrupted in the middle of plotting. The waitor quickly cleans the table, aware of being considered an intruder, and asks, because it is his duty to ask: „Would you like something else?“ „Another cup of coffee would be nice...“, the woman in the jumper says. „One cube of sugar, no milk please“, the other one adds. They both like it that way.

They sit in silence for a while, as if attempting to resume the conversation was an overly difficult task. One of them is trying to wave away a cloud of smoke that has come from the neighbouring table. Neither of the two is a smoker. Basha has always been a promoter of the healthy lifestyle. Naysun has never gotten used to smoking, because for the most part of her life, she couldn´t afford cigarettes.

„I´ve always wanted to have two children“, Basha says finally. She is the one wearing the blouse. Her voice is deep, slightly hoarse, because she has been crying recently. She is slim, well-kept, probably around 35, even though she looks slightly younger. „A boy and a girl. The boy should be older, if possible, so that he could keep an eye on his sister.“ Naysun nods silently and reaches for her purse, takes two slightly worn pictures out of it and hands them to Basha. „This is Jabali“, she says, presenting the first photo. „He was ten when the picture was taken. Rashida is six here...“ Her voice is also deep, but she hasn´t shed tears recently. She is slim, but shows signs of suffering earlier in her life. She may be around 35, but looks slightly older.

Looking closely, one could notice their facial features, regardless of the struggles each of them has been through during their lives, are almost identical, from the cat-like shape of their eyes up to the little bump on their otherwise perfect noses. Basha´s been broken in her childhood while learning the basics of softball. Incidentally, at the exactly same time, Naysun has slipped and rolled down a rocky hill, hitting her nose on the way.

Their similarities go far beyond that. Some may consider them random, a simple twist of fate. Others may be more open to the idea that there indeed is an invisible navel cord, connecting those who had once shared a womb together, no matter how far away from each other they may be, no matter whether or not they know of each other´s existence. They are two sides of the same coin. Two halves that make up the entire egg. Science-fiction? Believe it or not, there are facts that cannot be overlooked.

As a child, Basha had been surrounded by pets. Although she would have been able to afford the finest breeds, her find always came from animal shelters.
Naysun had never been allowed to own a pet. In the little village she called home, people viewed animals merely as a source of food they usually lacked. Often, she would sneak out at night and set the newest catches free. Two or three times she has been caught and beaten up with a stick.

While Naysun was crying in agony, giving birth to her first child at the tender age of 16, because protection was fully unknown in her world, Basha was waiting in the hospital to have the abortion done, after which she would stay infertile for the rest of her days.

Two years after that, Naysun was hiding in the darkness of a cave, shivering with fear as she listened to the sound of countless male feet - those of her husband and his other members of the tribe. She was merely an animal on the run now, and she knew the fate of animals at the hands of man.
Far away, in a dark, abandoned street, Basha was facing the open end of a gun, held by an unwashed parody of a man. If it wasn´t for a secret suitor who had been following her and whose steps scared the robber, she might have lost more than just her purse and her earrings that night.

At the age of twenty-four, Basha celebrated her graduation from the university - the most important step in her life, at least that was the way she saw it. Little did she know that the plane with Naysun on the board has just landed in New York.

Both of them married with 30, Naysun for the second time. Their partners were as white and blonde as possible. Naysun called hers Tom, Basha´s more sophisticated husband went by the name Thomas.

They both fell sick with small pox just a year before their meeting. Neither could tell where she´d caught the virus.

"I cannot believe he never told me about you", Basha shakes her head, tears filling her eyes once again. The misery she should be feeling over her father´s death is overshadowed by the sadness caused by having to deal with the knowledge he wasn´t the person she considered him to be. The knowledge that after her mother had died, he he decided he could only take ONE of the children she´d given him back to USA. The knowledge that he kept silence about this his entire life long, only mentioning the existence of her twin sister in his will.

"I am glad he died", Naysun states firmly, leaning back in her chair. "It is the best he´s ever done for me."

Basha is silently gazing into her coffee cup, as if she were a fortune teller trying to find answers in the grounds. She weighs the pros and cons, the man who had raised her and cared for her against the sister she has only just met. Then, she looks up and, with the same strength in her voice, she says: "It is the best he has ever done for US."

Perched on the edge of our king-sized bed, I listen to the restless sound of silence. All consuming, absolute, but not at all comforting. The air is chilling here, or it is my imagination, I wouldn´t know, but suddenly the coldness passes through me like a ghost, freezing my bones. If the wind blew strongly now, if  it sent me flying across the room, I would fall apart into a thousand of pieces like a statue made of ice. Seeking warmth, I wrap my shaking body into the embroidered duvet you so often hid your feet under. They were always cold at night... I regret now, how I used to jerk away with a yelp sometimes, when you deliberately run them accross my leg. In my memories, though, those moments are connected with your laughter, little drops of silver rain falling on glass. Then, you perhaps knew, ...no, certainly you must have known that in fact I didn´t mind at all...?

Looking out of the window into the wasteland the garden we once loved has become, my eyes become momentarily attracted to swirl of falling leaves. The autumn has begun, and every neglected tree, untrimmed lawn and overgrown bush is a place where fairy perfume sleeps. Everything can happen in the atmosphere if this upcoming season. When I spot you in a high jetté, soaring with outstretched arms over the flower patch, I can almost believe you are not an illusion... until reality shakes me awake and I feel like the carrots out there, pulled out of the ground with cruel hands and left on the pathwalk to rot.

Standing in the entrance hall, an ancient statue of mourning between two greek pillars that, however, cannot support me enough, I watch the closed door you will never open again. Never dance through it into my arms. Opening this door by myself will not bring me peace. Maybe I should bolt it tight, secure it by all means avialable to man, so the world outside couldn´t enter, so the mark of your heels on the doorstep would forever stay untouched. I coudln´t bare it if someone elses´s soles erased it, left their imprint on the place I claimed holy in my heart. I should lock the door and forever listen to the unexistent shuffling of your bare feet (slippers are for old women) on white marble.

OF LOVE, CHERRIES AND THE WORDS NEVER TO BE SPOKEN 2/2

MANA + HIZAKI FICTION

This is the second part of my psychological quest into the heads of Mana and Hizaki having a romantic relationship. However, this part mainly includes the sex... Again, point of views change and Hizaki speaks in italics.

I recommend to read the first part if you havent yet!!! http://deusssexmachina.livejournal.com/5765.html




I love the look in your round almond-shaped eyes when you´re wavering on the thin line between decency and lust. You bite your lover lip, covering those supposedly innocent orbs with richly painted eyelashes, yet the battle thats going on inside your head is still visible on your restless facial features. Finally, a smile lightens up your face, letting me know your wanton side has won. Hardly capable of breathing, I watch you crack-open two reces of the sweets with your sharp teeth, the filling smeared all over your lips. Instead of licking it off, you look at me provocatively with your mouth half-open, letting the alcohol drip down on both sides of your neck. Making it a show for my pleasure. Shaking your head, you allow the fluid to slowly slide down your nape and pool in the sweet spot I had just bitten and covered with kisses a while ago.

Then, you push your hair away from your face and use the fruits as earrings. It makes such a precious sight that I´d eat you up that very second, if… If I didn´t need to know so desperately what you are going to do next, how far your lust will push you, how faw your chastity will allow you to go. Yes, I am anticipating your every movement not only with my eyes that follow your hands hungrily wherever you decide to take them, but also with my entire body, subconsciously moving as you move, taking a deep breath whenever your own chest rises. It is a feeling not unlike the one I experience at the very beginning of a live show… when the lights have dimmed, the audience has taken a collective breath, and the first beats of drums fill the air with pure power. In such a moment, you can feel those single sounds resonating in your chest, and it takes all the self-control you have to stand still, patiently waiting with your hands twitching – craving to touch your guitar. All you want is to finally… let it out. Except, of course, my pants are usually not this tight in the crotch during a live, and the level of desperation isn´t quite the same.

I peel the long skirt off your body to expose more of your skin, relishing in the fact that except for the sheer silken stockings, you aren´t wearing any lingerie. You lift your hips slightly, then legs, all to make it easier for me, while your hands are still busy adorning your neck and chest with sticky decorative spirals. The skirt having been tossed aside, my eyes immediately want to linger on your newly uncovered most private places. However, instead of that, they are momentarily captivated by the cherry you have intricately placed into your navel.

Reaching into the bowl becomes more and more complicated for you, because quick movements could destroy the artwork you´ve already created. Aware of this, I rush to help, holding it up for you. Its only now that I notice how badly my hands are shaking with supressed desire. Your own hands are dancing over your lover belly now, until you finally touch yourself -there-, providing a show that makes me bite down a moan. The visuals are almost too much to take: melted chocolate smeared over your completely hairless pubic area, thin fingers ghosting over your sack, your moderately-sized but wonderfully shaped penis glistening with a combination of whiskey-cream and pre-cum, a single vein throbbing on its side. As you fondle yourself, only my previous firm decision that it must be your hands to undress me and your lips to enclose around my arousal keep me from touching myself in a similar way.

Your inner thighs are coated with sweetness, too, and finally there´s only one place left untouched. Until the last moment, I am not sure whether or not you will persuade yourself to take the final step. My eyes wander back up to look into your face. Instantly, you close yours, much like a child who believes that if you can´t see the others, they cannot see you either, a faint blush spreading across your cheeks. It is against your nature to display your body in such a way, and your innocence makes this act even more valuable. Almost reluctantly, you rub the last candy between you fingers and slowly bring them back down again, drawing a sticky line across the soft skin between your legs, stopping at the entrance into your body. Lips quivering, I notice you have taken a deep breath before smearing the remainder of the liquid around and over the tight opening. For a moment, the tip of your index finger disappears inside, which is the last drop that pushes me over the top.

I wince a little, slightly surprised be the force with which you straddle one of my legs and pin my arms down, toppling the now empty bowl. Neither of us turns head to see if it has broken, because you have already claimed my lips in a violent kiss, which I return with equal passion. It is a battle for dominance that ends with droplets of blood glistening on your upper lip. Only then we slow down and you allow me to kiss them away from the tiny wound in exchange for a taste of the sweet cream I have coated my mouth with. Not parting from my skin for a second, your lips descend upon my neck, covering it with butterfly kisses, purposedly only touching those places that I´ve painted on, showing me that I will indeed get my reward: Exactly what I had earned, nothing more, nothing less.

In all honesty, I am not sure what it is you do to me, but within a few seconds, I feel like I have  melted into a helpless puddle… while a little while ago, I still hated you for what you forced me to do. Yes, hated you for making me present myself like a slut, for feeling utterly exposed and vulnerable, for the sticky mess down there that keeps reminding me of what I did, and for the fact that I must hate even myself, because in the end it was ME who made the choice to oblige in expectance of the sweetest things to come. Yet as soon as I feel your breath ghosting over my skin, your tongue dancing so skilfully across my neck up to the ear, lips picking the cherry I left there for you, I forget about it… and I forgive you. By the time you move to the other ear, I have already forgiven myself, too. And when your tongue slides across the collar bone to circle my nipple, I am ready to believe that being a whore for you is what I´ve always longed for.

Then, your lips enclose around my nipple. The next station is oblivion. My breath is coming out in short spasms as I feel the suckling, gentle biting and blows of hot breath being switched repeatedly, yet always unexpectedly. Only in the corner of my mind I take in the constant friction of your groin against my leg. The rest of my brain is occupied with the beautiful sensations coming from the other nipple that´s being ravished now, while the first one still stands erect, pleasantly tingling and red. My back arches against my will, as if my body didn´t belong to me anymore… and in fact, it doesn´t. As your tongue slides down, picking the cherry from my navel, I realize that it belongs to you, completely, from the straining muscles up to the very last drop of blood in my veins. You have claimed it with the softness of your tongue. Even my breath belongs to you... maybe that´s why I can´t find any, when your lips hesistantly touch the tip of my penis.

Hot, seductive, teasing, making me beg you to please please just take me into your mouth right now, you circle the shaft with your tongue, looking up with an expression that makes me produce a glutteral moan. There can hardly be anything more arousing than the sight of your eyes, coated with heavy make-up, slowly turning upwards to check whether or not I am enjoying myself… combined with those famous lips of yours forming a heart around the most sensitive part of me. Unwilling to finish what you had started, your mouth lingers there only for as long as necessary for cleaning up the chocolate-cherry mess. As soon as the last sticky drop is gone, you let me slip out, nowhere close to release, and begin to collect the sweetness from my balls.

I would have smiled, if my lips weren´t latched on the smooth hairless skin of your sac, because your little disappointed whimper announces just how much you are aching for something that would push you over the top. And you have no clue that I´m not going to give it to you for a long time. You spread your legs for me, unobtrusively urging me to proceed towards the entrance into your body. For a while, I amuse myself with the thought that we could leave this out and use the cherry cream as a lubricant, but in the end I decide against. I couldn´ t take this away from you.

We both let our eyes fall shut, memorizing the sensations – the slippery heat inside of you, the cautious strokes of my tongue around your spasming perineum, the sweet sounds you make as I taste you, pushing in carefully, the smell of chocolate, cherries, olive soap and pure sex, the rustling of the sheets under your back that you can´t prevent. And while moving my tongue in an out, my fingers curl around your penis, drawing more moans from your throat.

I find myself at the cusp of a very sweet release, when you unexpectedly pull away, licking your lips for the last time. Slightly confused, I blink twice before focusing on the lust-laced fascination in your eyes. „There is something I need help with…“ you manage to whisper without having to gasp for breath in the middle of the sentence, hand motioning in the direction of your black dress pants. I nod feverishly, about to tear the obstructive piece of clothing into reces, because I need you NOW. Yet you catch my hands into yours and remove them from where they belong. „With your mouth“, you order. The passion in me slowly transforms into desperation and I shiver a little, knowing it will take lots of time before you make me yours. Swollen lips have not mastered the art of undressing yet, although you have asked for this little treat a few times in the past. However, there´s no choice.

With some difficulty, I close my lips around the button on your pants in attempt to push it through the small hole with my tongue, wetting the fabric in the process. After much straining, I can finally proceed to pulling down the zipper with my teeth. It must be done with great care, because you´re so hard it probably hurts. I can feel that with my lips through the black cotton… and it is unexpectedly erotic. My effort reveals tenting underwear – black silk and lace, something I would wear. For some reason, I am delighted that you choseto wear tthis flimsy piece of clothing as a sole reminder of the way you used to dress before I evaded your life. Then, of course, its removal is even more of  delight… The button holes on your shirt are way too tiny, which makes me give up before even trying to get you rid of said clothing article without violence. I simply bite the tiny buttons off, one after another, spitting them out onto the floor. One or two accidentally land in the empty bowl, which makes you chuckle.

Finally, your body presents itself in front of my eyes in its naked glory, white skin glowing in invitation. Your body isn´t just hard muscles like I´ve observed with other men… neither is it skin and bones like mine. Your legs are long and elegant, shoulders and upper arms strong from holding the guitar for years, the waist deliciously slim, yet when I hold you, your hips, your inner legs, your ass, your back, all is covered with soft flesh and delicious skin. Everything about you was made to be loved. Ironically, it is the only hard part on you that recieves my attention first. Yet you only allow me a taste of your essence before pushing me back into the sheets, burning with the same need that is nestled deep in me. Without being asked, I authomatically open my legs and hook one of them over your waist in silent invitation.

Surrender to me, my dark prince… Plunge into me, more, deeper, become a part of me, till the end of times. Can you hear my moans? It´s music composed and performed only for your body, for the flawless aristocratic elegance tained by wild passion and bondless desire. For your dark eyes that seem to be changing colors in the dim light, burning trough my skin, peeling of all my layers as if they wanted to see right into my heart. If they did, you would find out it is beating only for you. In that very moment, the last candle burns out and everything becomes dark and heavy and muffled. I love it, for It meants I am completely enveloped by you – body and spirit, and your glistening eyes are the only source of light. They have become my world, my private universe.

The readiness with which you subdue to my needs never fails to amaze me. In the moments when our collective passion is at its peak, you are as far from the innocent boy I´ve always deemed you to be as possible. And as I inch myself into your tight heat, my head sometimes fills with various fantasies and wild images of the two of us having sex in all kinds of forbidden places: on the marble floor in my kitchen, in the public showers when the concert is over and everyone else has gone home (or maybe hasn´t), stroking each other to completion under the table of one of those expensive restaurants, and maybe even having a quick number in the elevator of the kind that you can manually stop between floors. Of course, such perverse thoughts are not meant for your ears. As much as I like to indulge myself with them, I know too well that asking you to try them out would be degrading for both of us.

Our bodies are moving in complete unison, and with each trust, I feel a little brush of your breath on my cheek. I thrust up, and your perfect little body meets every movement with equal conviction, equal force. Deep in my mind I replay the moment when I entered you and your eyes widened with what seemed to be surprise… amazement that such a thing exists in this world. I bend down to your face, aiming to find your lips, tongue demanding entry, which you grant with an exquisite whimper. Wanting to silence you, I capture your decadent lips in a hungry kiss, tongue moving in and out of your mouth, picking up the rhytm with which I´m entering and leaving your body. There´s a sweet moment when you place my hand onto your flushed cheek, rubbing against it attentatively. A gesture that makes me smile from within. „My darling…“ I crush those words against your lips, „…my sweet little princess…“

If only you knew… If only you knew I´m not so little. Not as young as you like to see me by far.  Would you still love me if I told you that I have become twenty-nine only for your sake, to feed the image of youth and beauty you´ve created of me in your head? That I would have gladly presented you an even lower age, if not for the fact that my long career in the music business could have easily given away the outright lie, had I told you I was twenty-four? That I am, in fact, older than you – less than by a year, but still…? I think not. I´m living on a borrowed time, because every lie comes out sooner or later. What will happen then, I do not know, but I fear it will be the end. Maybe this is the reason why I can never get enough of you. No matter how intense our lovemaking is, I always want MORE.

„More! Deeper!“

Both your legs have come around my waist – when exactly, I never really noticed – and now they are squeezing me almost painfully, forcing me to pick up a quicker pace. I oblige, and those deep but hastily irregular strokes promply bring me closer to the edge. Your whimpering becomes almost screaming as I brush your spot repeatedly. We are so close to each other that your lips can touch my neck when you pull me down a bit. Your hands are brushing my hair, exposing the tempting line of my neck, to which you latch immeditely. Now it´s my turn to moan in expectation, for you haven´t forgotten my needs. Just before release, you will give me what I desire.

We are both very close. I find it hard to breathe, your fingers are clenching with a bruising force on my thighs. I slide out of you almost entirely only to strike home with renewed force. And in the moment when I hit your sweet spot, I feel you sharp little teeth in my throat, at first barely scraping the surface. Not enough. My entire body is on fire and this feeble teasing cannot quench it. I pull out again, and this time, as I penetrate your body, your teeth sink into my flesh. I can feel the pressure on my skin and the exquisite pain of it being torn… enough to enable me to imagine that my vampire games are more than just a fantasy, that this night is more than lovemaking. As I move in you, you can feel my quickened pulse under your lips, my life force is in your possession as your body is in mine. The motion enlarges the wound, but you don´t allow me to free myself…

Not until I feel you spasming around me. Not until my world, too, explodes in fantastic colors, overwhelming the senses… followed by a merciful black-out.

It takes a good while to regain any sense of the reality. Or better yet – any sense at all. Surprisingly enough, taste comes first. Single ruby droplets have gathered on my lips – nectar of gods, vampire tears... I lick them away as you moan into my ear, whispering something I don´t understand. Fascinated, I watch a crimson trail make its way down your torn throat, sliding across your shoulder before it touches the bedding where we lay with tangled limbs, forever violating its light blue color. 

You whispered something… what was it? It could barely be considering a whisper, more like a disruption of airwaves in the form of syllables, but I know there WAS something. Please, please repeat your words. I need to have a confirmance that I didn´t misunderstand, only that will allow me to be truly happy. Please, say it again, or else I will have to ask you myself… I cannot bear the silence for long. Without thinking, I utter in a hoarse voice: „Are you mine…?“ A short, almost satisfying „yes“ comes back in reply.

You are trying to catch breath, your body exhausted, resting in a slightly unnatural position under mine. The air smells of the sin we have just experienced. Our hands still occasionally wander over each other´s bodies, as if it wasn´t over yet. I press my lips to your shoulder in a silent thank-you kiss, and you pay me back with a soft smile, petting my hair. Only now, while trying to relax, I notice the discomfort of my salty sweat burning in the wound you left on my neck. I touch it with one finger, probing how bad it is, and you tiredly open your eyes, watching me with what can only be identified as compassion. Then, kitten-like, you lift your head from the pillow and begin to lick at the torn skin. Long, determined strokes of the tongue. „Does it still hurt?“ you ask after a while. I shake my head. „You made it all better.“ You giggle in reply, falling back into the pillows in relief.

In the post-orgasmic afterglow, I gently lay my head, cheek down, upon your supple chest. Both of us are still slightly messy, glistening with sweat, but in the moment, I don´t mind any discomfort – after all, it´s so unimportant in comparison with the bliss we just shared. I am sure that my joy, the pure energy born from our lovemaking, is so obvious that it penetrates my white skin, wanting to shine, raw, needy. In the feeble light of the dying candles, I glow more than their flickering flames. Even my heart is overflowing with bewildered emotions that seek to spill out. In this moment, fuelled and inspired by the sacred and sinful act, it seems that I could finally find the right words to tell you just how much I love you, how deeply I admire every fibre of your intricate being, how estatically happy you make me every minute of my life by simply existing, by being who you are, how lucky I consider myself for having met you and for having won your heart over, and how unworthy of being loved by someone like you I deem myself to be. I could pay you thousands of compliments now, or promise to bring you all the stars from Heaven, if that is what you desire. I could whisper sweet nothings into your lovely ear till the morning, share all my secrets and answer all our questions. In fact, I crave to do all this!

With unusual decisiveness, I gently touch your bare shoulder. „Hizaki…?“ There is no answer though, not even a small movement. Your breath is even, deep and barely audible. „Princess…“ I try again, voice shaky, just to make sure. Nothing. It makes me smile. It´s moments like this what makes me realize that sometimes, despite your fragile and feminine looks, you are still primarily male, for only a man could fall into such deep sleep immediately, exhausted by our lovemaking. Somehow, waking you up only to be able to spill my heart out to you, while your mind, still half in slumber, wouldn´t even manage to capture all that is on my mind, doesn´t seem right. Maybe this is how it should be. Words would only spoil this moment. And perhaps, I will find courage to overcome my silence another time, again… I believe in perfect moments… do you? Everything happens in life, eventually. When the time is right. With that, I place a gentle kiss into the velvet of your blonde locks and allow my body to rest, entwined with yours.

Taming my breath with well rehearsed perfection, eyes tightly shut like so many times before, I lay in complete silence. Feeling. Listening. I can´t help it… Pretending sleep has developed into being one of my favourite ways to get a proof of your love. The first time it happened by random. I was just dozing off, exhausted after a concert and our lovemaking, when I felt it - your eyes on me. I can´t explain what sense exactly I was using then, but I instantly knew you were observing me, taking in every inch of my exposed skin, and the heat of your body coming closer and closer revealed to me that you were leaning down to kiss my hair. It took a level of self control I had never thought I possessed, not to show a sign of lucidity then, but I managed it... fearing that if I were to let you know I was aware of your administrations, you would never find the courage to do it again.

So, I wait for the soft touch of your eyes and sometimes your lips, too, nearly every night we spend together… always a bit worried it wouldn´t come, finding myself in utter bliss when it does. I know how much it means to show love to the other in a moment when the beloved person does not know about it. I know it, because I also watch you sleep... in the mornings. My instinct allows me to wake up first to do my bathroom rituals and make-up, so that you would see the face I chose to present to you and not the one I get up with when you open your eyes. Despite of knowing that I have to rush, because you could awaken at any time, I cannot help myself but spend a few minutes looking at your little hands clutching the pillow in the most adorable way, your peaceful pale face, the heavy lashes resting like on your cheeks like fans, lips forming a thin strict line as you´re trying to fight off a dream... wondering if you know how beautiful you are for me.

Laying in each other´s arms, we look like a work of art, sculptured by a professional from ancient Greece: the ideal of harmony of beauty adorning both body and soul. Wrapped around your smaller frame, I feel my body relax, limb after limb, warmth spreading through my feet into my legs  at first, then thighs, as well as from my fingertips through my arms up to the tense shoulders, until the comforting waves finally meet in the middle of my back, sliding simultaneously up and down the spinal cord to settle down in my lower belly. So good...

And in the sweet hazy state between consciousness and sleep, I think I´ve just felt some movement from under my arm where you are nested. Just in case, I whisper: „Good night, princess… Sweet dreams…“ Maybe you can hear me from your peaceful slumber, and maybe you´ve just smiled a little. I´ll never be certain, but I can imagine you have. What I know for sure is that with so many words unspoken, these are the only ones that need to be said to make both of us happy. And so I can fall asleep with the thought that this is perfect. We are perfect.

You love me without words. I don´t require it from you to say them. The only thing I want is that you feel it. Yes, sometimes I´d need to hear them, sometimes I´m insecure, sometimes jelaous, but I know it is difficult for you to voice your feelings. It is not because of me, you wouldn´t manage to do it for anyone. I am certain that things that had happened in your past caused that, in the same way how my childhood influenced me. I don´t know what kind of things, though, but one day… one day I will find out, and then, I´ll soothe your pain forever. Then, maybe, I will also be able to tell you what made me what I am.

In this hostile world, it is easy and almost unavoidable for a person that stands out in the crowd as much as you or me to feel lonely, forlorn, or despised by the majority. But our perfect union gives our oddities a purpose. It seems our souls and bodies were created this way for a reason, which only becames obvious once we find each other and reach harmony. You need to hear declarations of undying love from my lips for that to happen, and in that I am one step ahead – I am able to offer you as many of those as you desire. But I can´t tell you my secrets. I am not ready, either. One day…Until then, your warm embrace shall be enough of a solace.

OF LOVE, CHERRIES AND THE WORDS NEVER TO BE SPOKEN 1/2

MANA + HIZAKI FICTION

This is a fic I had originally intended to write for the Christmas challenge, but it is long overdue. I have to admit I had slight problems writing it, but now it´s here and I hope you like it.
It is based on the idea that two insecure people sometimes do not communicate their thoughts, feelings and fears, thinking that the partner wouldn´t understand. And, even though there is love and happiness in the relationship, those unspoken words cause unnecessary stress on both side, and would make all even better, if the two managed to openly say them. Point of view changes often, Mana is written in normal font, while Hizaki speaks in italics.




PART 1/2

The air is embalmed with the mixed aroma of cinnamon, vanilla, gingerbread, coconut and chocolate - a reminder of the last two nights we spent hunched over the kitchen counter, preparing those little sweets that belong to Christmas as inseparably as you belong to me. In the warmth of your stove, the heat I felt whenever you walked past me to fetch some more flour or sugar from the pastry and –probably by accident – brushed against some part of my body, only expanded. Or when you used my shoulder for support in order to gain better balance while taking down extra plates from your wooden wall cabinet! Of course, neither of us is as undignified as to have a quick number on the kitchen table. Our intercourses are like fairy-tale dreams of princes, knights, elves and vampires, each of them representing a fantasy scenario coming into life, complete with prefabricated roles, costumes and settings. What more could I ask for?

Everything we have, everything we do together is perfect. Still… is it wrong that I sometimes wish you´d take me… just so...?Roughly, without thinking, on the floor or against the wall, at the doorstep when we arrive home and simply cannot wait any longer, or even… oh God…outside in your car, on public toilets, in the elevator stopped on purpose between floors… Just so, because we feel the lust…

Standing in front of the mirror, I hastily add the final touches to my appearance, knowing that although your dress will be much more elaborate than my own attire, you are most likely already waiting... Sleeping Beauty expecting the arrival of her prince, cheeks flushed with pink hue – in your innocence, you´re ashamed of the eagerness with which you always welcome me in our bed. That´s how I love to see you. Still, I hate to admit even to myself that the reason why I always let you wait is not the fact that I want to be late on purpose to find out how overjoyed you are to see me, but the fact that I am never sure if you will actually like what you´re going to see. Little by little, I kept changing for you over the years, working on this new look and on a suitable personality to match it... and even today, although I know it was the right thing to do, I am not entirely sure if I can pull it off well enough.

I used to be like you - a frozen princess, waiting for the kiss of a prince that would wake her up from the eternal sleep, a touch of a strong hand that would turn the coldness in her heart into heat, a softly whispered word that would make her open her blind eyes to all the wordly wonders and finally see the colorful sparkles of love. There was a time I had hoped that Gackt would be him. Then Klaha. Much later, I stopped hoping altogether, too tired by the disappointments I had to face, jaded, still with enough energy left to create art, but burnt out in the field of love. Until I found you…

People say love can be born out of anger, because these two extremely strong kinds of passion, although contradictory, inevitably have to draw from the same source and the thin line between them can be crossed easily. They never say, though, it can be born out of jelaousy - yet that was the first thing I´ve ever felt towards you. In your music, I saw a sacrilege, a stealth of my own ideas and concepts, in your elaborate medieval dresses, I saw replicas of my own garderobe from the days of my greatest fame, in your feminine beauty, I saw a younger me - although, of course, there were differences. The most visible one being that where I had been darkness, you were light.

Eventually, the anger came too, because despite everything you created was, in a way, mine, you were better at it. You never failed to look innocent and beautiful, you resembled a girl even without costume, your nails reached the perfection I could only dream of, your dresses never looked cheap and they were historically accurate, your face kept its youthful appearence with half the make-up I would have had to use to reach the same effect, your music was similar to mine but new, fresh, and it seemed to flow so easily as if it had been written without any significant effort, within one night, you were loved by the world without even trying, the members of your bands were your best friends, not only employers.

I chose to ignore your existence, but you destroyed that plan of mine with an unexpected… I would say determination, if I weren´t sure it wasn´t on purpose. No matter how hard I tried, I could never get rid of you. You were everywhere, frequenting the same bars, making friends with my friends, employing my former bandmates, beaming at my parties, going to the same gigs. Always cute, always a little shy, always smiling… always there. That´s when jelaousy ultimately made place for anger… and from there, it was only one step to love.

Wrapped only in thin stockings, my feet feel a little cold as I rush across the mahagony parquet, attempting not to slide. The delicate slippers adorned with feathers, one size smaller than what would be comfortable for me, so as to create an illusion of petite feet, are already placed on the left side of the bed where you´ll be able to see them upon entering. Antique candleholders have been intricately distrubuted throughout the room, casting exactly the amount of light that makes facial features still visible, but mysteriously veiled by darkness creeping in. The kind of golden light that is merciful to age, softens all that is sharp and manly and transforms the ordinary to things of unearthly beauty. My attire is finished, too, complete with soft girly make-up, white lacy gloves and a tiny crown sitting on the top of my head, fixed with too many hair pins to be comfortable. It is essential that I still have it at the end of our encounter.

The only thing still left for me to do is placing the wine and the cookies on the bedside table. Next to them, I put a bowl of chocolate cherries, dipped in whiskey-cream – a treat we have lately learnt to love. Hopefully, we will have them after the sex this time... I tied my corset very tight. Arranging myself on the bed, it occurs to me I might have tied it too tight tonight, making myself horribly cramped in attempt to create a feminine waistline. It doesn´t matter. Soon, your hands will unwrap me like a precious gift, and instead of these expensive garments, your body will be covering my skin, and I shall have yet another thing to be thankful for...

Indeed, I admit, I love the idea of you saving me from someting, be it danger, pain, troubles, emotional hurt, discomfort or despair – I love it to the extent that I would gladly inflict either of them upon myself only for the sake of giving you the chance to help me out. In plenty of cases, the little things you do for me – from escorting me home like a lady that needs to be protected from praying eyes of other men, giving me work-related advise, helping me carry heavy things, wiping my brow with a wet cloth when I have a headache, up to carrying me up the stairs the day I pretended to have sprained my ankle – I have not really needed assistance at all. And while Kamijo showed so little patience, you appear not to have discovered these games of mine yet... I simply like to ask for things without asking, testing if the other would do exactly what I expect them to, out of their own free will. And being the aristocrat you are, you never fail to please me.

Heavy shoes against marble tiles are chiming the last few seconds until the prince and the princess will be united. With each step, my confidence grows. It´s always like this. No matter how unsure I am in the moment when I transform myself into a vampiric prince, from the pale base up to the last cross-shaped button of my coat, my character seems to change in due proportion as the moment of our encounter approaches. Slowly, I innerly transform myself into the mysterious role I normally present only outwardly, and I know that what enables this shift is the fact that this is how you want me. With enough love, I can become the man you dream of and I desire to be.

I need your presence for this to happen, like a person dying of thirst needs a drop of water. Whenever our duties force us apart for a couple of days, I feel I´m loosing myself and pieces of the old Mana – the doll that needed to be held, dusted, dressed up, admired and taken care of – begin to open the doors of the closet where I hoped to have locked them for good. Along with memories of Gackt and Klaha. I admire your strenght sometimes, because YOU obviously didn´t lock the memory of your past lover away where it couldn´t hurt you anymore. Kamijo is still your co-worker and, which is more amazing, your closest friend. Sometimes I wonder if I should ask you how exactly the two of you managed to reach this co-existence, benefitial for both sides, but in the end I never do. I am afraid of the possible softness in your voice while speaking about him, of the remnants of love you could still feel towards him that I might detect. This I don´t need to know. 

Impatiently, I listen to your steps resonating through the hall – at first a set of taps following in a quick pace, then slowing down and eventually stopping altogether. Another ritual that hightens the expectations. I know you will wait for a minute or two now, hoping I am going to be surprised when you open the door silently and slide into the darkness of our bedroom. I never have to act this surprise, because although you are so predictable in this respect, I am always truly taken aback, positively stunned by your beauty. When you enter, dark and handsome like a black knight from my childhood dreams, it takes my breath away for a moment, and, stripped of the ability to move, I simply stare at you wide-eyed, thinking: This is real, this is indeed happening!

Do I have the same effect on you? I would like to think so, especially today when all has been well-prepared with unusual care. The color of the bedding matches my dress but doesn´t outshine it, the blanket is folded precisely so that it cascades around my body in countless folds. The pillows have been arranged to support my back and allow me to half lay, half sit in the king-sized bed, hands in lace gloves clutching the iron-wrought front of the bed. Its intricate shape and material make it resemble a design of some medieval castle gate. In this position, my chest is rising slightly, creating the effect of small breasts that I do not possess in reality. I would have used fake ones, but I have learnt already you don´t find those very erotic in the process of undressing... A black silken shawl is wrapped loosely around my wrists, which might look like somebody had tied me to the bed, while in fact I could slide out of its folds easily at any moment. It doesn´t have any other function besides making you aroused. My legs are slightly spread for the same purpose, and I made sure you will be able to notice this despite of the long, elaborate dress covering them whole.

I am not tall, never have been, but as you lay there in the silken sheets, so deliciously fragile and small, it seems to me I´m towering over you, and I myself... I feel strong, masculine, powerful. Not like a prince, no, it´s a more basic, carnal feeling. I feel simply like a man – your man, one who owns you, who has the liberty to take you as he pleases, rip you apart and put you together again with my hands, with my passion, with my words, with… my love. Ah... to take you right now, descend upon you like a hungry beast, no sweet words, no preparation... But I can´t, for more than one reason, the main one being that it might scare you, while the other one is almost too selfish to admit even to myself without shame: My aesthetic sense urges me to prolong these moments of silent expectation, so I can marvel at the perfection of it - a dark, black haired vampire knight bending over a beautiful blonde lolita, tied to the bedposts, shivering in anticipation, slender hands in little gloves tugging at the fabric.

Your hair is a golden waterfall pooling over your flat, boyish chest, covering its smooth skin as if you were ashamed of it spoiling your feminity. Yet, one of your nipples peeks out from under the curls, even through the fabric of the blouse you are wearing under your corset obviously erect, inviting, and as I sit down pondering whether I should play with it, I discover glistening pearls of tears in your eyes. „What´s wrong…?“ I ask, taken aback, hoping to hear from your sweet lips that these are tears of happiness. Tell me, little one… Tell me there can´t be rain in Paradise…

You want to know why am I crying? For you. For me. For everything we are... were... will be... For everything we could have been, can´t be, will never be. For no reason in particular, and at the same time for all the reasons in the world. For the thoughts that sometimes, in the most exclusive moments, cross my mind: why can´t I capture this joyful time and keep it forever? Yes, sometimes, when I´m at my happiest, suddenly the idea scares me that it will pass once, and this realisation makes the moments of my greatest pleasure become moments of my greatest pain, too. And even though the knowledge that you of all people would understand these feelings is one of the reasons I love you so much, I can´t voice them and spoil our evening. „I love you…“ I whisper instead. And although it´s not a real answer, it is the truth. It sustains you, for the moment.

As always, your helplessness, your fragility - no matter if real or well-acted – hits a string in my heart that I usually don´t even recollect having. Something aches inside, but it´s a sweet pain, as if my heart wanted not to break into pieces but grow, spread, unfold itself so that it could embrace you whole. I regret deeply that I only have my hands and lips to touch you and convey this feelings, just skin on skin to give a proof of love. But even with such unsufficient means, maybe if I do it often enough...

Without further thinking, I move to kneel next to you, take your face into my hands and kiss that small smile that´s pulling at your lips. A tiny gasp, the tensing of muscles I detect momentarily, and then you are hungrily returning my kiss, your whole body moving into the touch of our lips. We stay locked like that, tasting each other, for what seems like an eternity, until we are both out of breath...

And in the short moment we have for catching a collective breath before inspecting each other´s mouths with our tongues again, I look at your face and discover the well-known desperation in your eyes. With that look, you are asking me to save you – I can only guess what from – and if I were able to find the right words, I would promise you I shall protect you forever. Because you need it, and because I found out that it is more fullfilling to be the protector than the damsel in distress, that despite of how I used to be like when I was young, I do have it in me to be strong for someone, and I want that someone to be you. It occurs to me, however, that you might not understand, that saying this might offend you, that you might feel I don´t think you mature enough... Therefore I just press my lips harder to yours, my tongue writing the verb „I love“ onto the smooth slick skin inside your mouth.

When we finally part, your lips stay half-open for a while, swollen and glossy. I can´t resist to close them with one last kiss before I let my mouth travel downwards to your neck, planting soft kisses to your jawline before settling down on that place between your nape and shoulder. A slight mewling sound rises from your lips as my breath dances hot and heavy against your skin… and finally my teeth scrape its smoothness, enough to provoke a moan, but not enough to draw blood. Your sigh urges me to rise their pressure on your skin, hot, wet mouth and tongue sucking, licking, marking your flesh, claiming you. Making you mine.

Before this, before YOU, I have known pain in many forms, and I have always feared it - maybe because my definiton of pain was tightly connected with memories dating back to my childhood, to the times when I still lived with my father. To be absolutely honest with myself, I have to admit it is not the pain itself I am afraid of, but those flashbacks it might bring... I consider it a great success, greater perhaps than all my achievements in the field of music, that I managed to banish them from my life, at least when my mind is in the conscious state. They do come back in the form of dreams at times – no, not always, only…Only when I spend my nights alone, separated from you. No nightmare, no scary world arisen for the millionth time from a frightened, beaten child´s mind, would dare to cross the tight barrier of your arms. When you hold me, I am safe, nothing and noone can harm me. Noone. Not even you.

Knowing this enables me to redefine pain. Pain isn´t necessarily evil. It is a crimson velveteen tie around my thin wrists, the softest restriction binding me to the front of your bed… binding me to you. It is the imprint of your teeth on my purple skin, branding me like a sinner. Reminding me that I am at your mercy… just where I love to be. I would willingly take more of it... I would let the ties scar my wrists and draw blood, because every time I´d slip my lace gloves on my hands in the future, those marks would remind me of what we share.I would let your teeth rip my vein, so that the mark you left behind would never vanish. Perhaps, to the world, scars inflicted by you would mar my beauty. For me, however, they would be a precious proof that what we have is real. But you are too good, too caring to allow it to happen.

A small sigh escapes your lips as I run my hands under your back, lifting your body from the pillows to unfasten the corset you chose to wear, and I notice there´s more relief than passion in it. As I once had been, you are a victim of beauty… not knowing there´s no need to, because the way I love to see you the most is nude, anyway. Even the most expensive fabric seems rough, unwelcoming in comparison to the softness of your pale skin. I have dreamt about all the things I want to do to you… about every single detail. It is much like a hunt – the waiting for the prey and the gratification of hungry senses much later. Looming above you like a wild beast, not knowing whether you will subdue or bite back. Taking everything thats forbidden. But before that – the silent studying your body, the subtle movement of shivering muscles under your skin that hints at the way you will move under me during the act. The dance of your chest – rise and fall, rise and fall, in sweet expectation. I need to end this performance and finally touch your bare skin before my lust becomes unbearable. There has been enough of admiring the wrapping – now I want what´s inside.

Your hands seem so cold on the warmth of my skin, yet at the same time, I feel unbearable heat emenating from between our bodies. Fire and ice entwined… Closing my eyes, I can´t help but shiver under the butterfly touch of your palms mapping my form. You have bared my chest, but the long shirt is still on place. Now I feel your hands sliding under it, lifting the petticoats, softly caressing my legs and then thighs in circural movements… Gentle strokes in the area near my groin, on the soft skin of my inner thighs, purposedly avoiding touching my already half erect penis. I frown slightly without you even noticing. Is it too soon to give me this kind of pleasure? Instead, you begin to remove the skirt and roll down my stockings, one by one, teasingly kissing every inch of skin you have revealed, not stopping until you reach my feet. Only then, quite unexpectely, you shift back up to lean over my upper body, supporting your weight with one hand, so that your arm is pinning me down.

I squirm as your finger begins to draw painfully slow circles around one of my erect nipples. They are sensitive, perhaps overly so for belonging to a male, and you´ve already learnt that little secret about me. It seems like there is an invisible string nested somewhere inside my body that serves as a direct connection between my nipples and my groin, and everytime you run your tongue over my chest, this string is being pulled at wonderfully. I expect you to stop this torture and finally close your mouth around its tip, but this time, you just look at me teasingly with a devious smirk, followed by a sudden question: „How do they taste?“ I blink confusedly, shaking my head. „I… I don´t know…“ In the moment, I´m not certain about anything but the fact that I need you to finish this. You smile again – somewhere at the bottom of my mind clouded by passion, I appreciate the rare occurence – this time sweetly, eyes glittering with expectation. „I think I prefer cherries… Little cherry princess nipples. Think you can satisfy me?“

CHAPTER 9: Face to Face

2007, October 9th, 9.10 am, Hilton Paris

At this time of the day, Mana assumes, the entrance hall is not going to be enormously busy yet. According to the rules stated on Hilton´s website, check-in only starts after 2 p.m., all the party-goers would still be asleep, and those tourists who like to start their sightseeing tours early will hopefully be in the dining room already, nibbling at their continental breakfest. Having gotten his hopes up, he finally moves, giving the driver a simple nod instead of a greeting. The street is quite empty, which works just fine for the guitarist, because the daylight is mercilessly revealing all the damage left on his appearance during the night… Those few people rushing past him to work are thankfully way too busy with themselves to pay any attention to a smudgy black-clad Japaneese with messy hair, who is climbing of the taxi. Yet the guitarist feels their eyes burning imaginary smoking holes into his skin through the dirty fabric covering it.

He pokes into the bird nest on his head a few times, wipes his face with the back of his hand, and makes a hysterical attempt to dust off the coat, as well as clean his boots on the crimson doormat. All in vain. Hoping luck won´t turn its back on him, the guitarist vigorously pushes the glass door open and hastily makes his way aross the entire hall towards the elevator, not looking left or right. His hands are rummaging in the pockets, trying to find the electronic key, when all of a sudden a hand falls onto his shoulder heavily. „Mouurning“, Sugiya manages to pronounce, not without a certain difficulty, and Mana – slightly stupified by the alcoholic odour streaming out of his bandmate´s mouth - realizes that the other man is not tapping his shoulder, but actually leaning on him. Normally, he would have shaken the bassist off immediately, but under current circumstances, Mana supports the younger man and even slips an arm around Sugiya´s waist, just to be sure. Gently, he leads him into the velveteen elevator cabin, praying for the door to close soon.

Unfortunately, although the bassist - due to his drunken haze - hasn´t previously noticed Mana´s messy appearance, he DOES spy something suspicious in the behaviour of his boss. „Are you alright…?“ With a little delay, he begins to inspect Mana´s muddy face, squinting in the funniest way as he tries hard to focus. „Absolutely fine, thanks“, Mana nods politely, impatiently watching the two halves of the metallic door slide together. As soon as both men are safely out of sight, he swiftly lets go of his friend and adds pointedly: "And I will feel even better, if you and your smelly breath move as far away from me as possible." Sugiya nods hapilly, comforted that things have taken their usual direction and Mana is angry with him after all.

It seems like a small eternity has passed before the cabin finally stops in the 5th floor and the two of them stumble out. In that very moment, Mana´s wishful thoughts about a warm bubblebath with soft aromatic foam and those wonderful silken sheets on his king-sized bed dissolve. Lined up on the sofa in the small lounge, right in front of the elevators, there are the other three members of Moi dix Mois, finding themselves in various stages of dozing off. Yukie, the so-called manager, is towering above them, arms crossed, the tip of her awkwardly pointed shoe tapping on the marble floor with metronomical accuracy. Sugiya giggles, leans closer to Mana and whispers loudly enough for everyone to hear: „Dyou know why… ssspecially at times like thisss…she reminds me of my mother?!“

The woman purposedly ignores his little silly comment and makes a few tiny but sharp steps in their direction. „Can you explain to me where you´ve been?“ Mana notices that her voice has crossed the fine line between human speech and snake tongue. "It´s 8.40 in the morning! You have a concert in about ten hours and you obviously haven´t slept a bit, I already had to cancel the sound check that you should have had at 12 and move it towards late afternoon… I kind of expected this kind of behaviour from Sugiya, but YOU Mana! I thought better of you. What did you think, to wander off all on your own without telling anyone where you were heading to! For all I know, you could have been already kidnapped, or robbed..." All at once, she cuts the waterfall of well-measured and rehearsed words and eyes Mana´s shabby visage suspiciously. „…wait, you weren´t robbed, were you?“

Mana shakes his head, pretending to be inspecting the veiny pattern on the tiles. That only brings his mind back to the red or golden dragons that made the luxurious carpet he has seen that night, the one in the cave, seem so alive. He doesn´t have any reasonable explanation for the adventure he has just experienced, or at least not one that Yukie would understand. Moreover, he promised to keep it a secret. He and Étienne promised that each other. Mana´s eyes authomatically roll towards his right hand, where the antique ring is decorating his finger, reminding him of all that happened and how much it means to him. "This is the first slip in my entire career", he mutters dejectedly, „maybe you don´t realize that, but I am also only human, Yukie, and I´m tired. I´ll go to sleep now, and so should everyone else.“

Before the woman can raise her voice in answer, a tall figure jumps up from the coach with a happy sounding "Boss!!!" on the lips. Yukie´s yelling has woken up K, and as the guitarist gets up, Seth´s head, that had been previously resting on K´s lap, hits the sofa with a muffled thud, which pulls the singer out of the deep waters of sleep as well. They both begin to circle around Mana, searching for possible injuries, and the horror in their voices lets the band leader know just how terribly he looks like. „Oh my… what happened to you???“ „Wait, I´ll bring you some water..." „Did someone hurt you??“ „Should we… call the ambulance?“ „Or police?“ "Where are you injured?"

„It´s nothing…“ Mana objects with an edge in his voice. „Please…“ They mean well, that much he knows, but in the moment, their care doesn´t help him – on the contrary, it annoys him beyond words. Moreover, a fairly large group of mischievous dwarves equipped with massive hammers seems to have found temporary home in his skull, and their talking slowly becomes too much for him to take. However, nobody is listening to him. „Nothing?“ Yukie joins the crowd with obvious satisfaction. The coldness of her voice doesn´t show any kind of concern – clearly she has noticed just how much all the questions are upsetting Mana, and feels the urge to add to that. „You are covered in dirt and… is it blood on your face? I wouldn´t say that´s „nothing“. Actually, I called the police in order to report you as a missing person, but they announced that one can only do that after said person hasn´t been seen for 24 hours.“

„You did what?!“ Mana raises his eyebrow, a menacing tone creeping into his voice. Instead of yelling back at the woman, though, he is slowly carried away in mind once again. Police… He recalls his recent experience with them down in the catacobs too well… still, it seems surreal now, almost otherwordly. He wonders if, after a while, it will feel as if it never happened. If the entire night will stay written in his memory in form of a lucid dream. If, one day, he will definitely cease to believe that…

„No“, Seth denies firmly, pulling the band leader out of his thoughts, „in fact it was me and K who did that, Mana-sama, not her. We din´t meant to upset you… we were simply worried about you, when we came back from the club at 4 in the morning and Yukie told us that she hasn´t been able to reach you all night. I´m sorry if this causes you any inconvenience, but...“ The singer doesn´t get a chance to finish his appology, because all heads suddenly turn towards Sugiya, who, completely without warning, doubles in half and vomits on Yukie´s pointy shoes. The deadly silence that follows is broken up a while later by Hayato´s faint voice, coming sleepily from the couch: „Good job, man…“

 

2007, October 9th, 10.00 am, Mana´s room

„Oh God. No wonder they were circling around me like hungry vupltures and nearly called the cops…“ Mana mumbles for himself, shaking his head in desperation. Waiting for his bathtub to fill, the guitarist is hovering over the marble sink, gawping at his mirror reflection in utter disbelief. Twelve hours ago, his hair had been spiked up with care to create the deliberately messy look, however, the styling didn´t survive rain and crawling through tight passages. It is plain messy now, sticking out in odd angles and laying flat in other places, matted, tangled and almost grey from the dust and limestone fragments that got caught in it. His face doesn´t make any better impression, for it is not only covered in dirt, but also in patches of make-up and mascara.

What´s worse, Yukie wasn´t lying when she said it looked like there was some blood, too. Apparently, he had scratched the back of his hand at some point during crawling through the tunnels, and smeared the not yet dried blood over his cheek as he attempted to wipe the dust off. Mana decides to reach to violent means and fills the entire sink with hot soap water. Carefully, he slides the valuable ring off his finger and places it safely on the shelf, where it cannot get sprayed. Then he takes a deep breath and simply submerges his entire head into the sink, hair included. And he rubs.

As the next thing, he untangles himself from the confines of his dirty clothing, now slighly wet from his dripping hair, torn on the knees and elbows, and kicks off his boots that have successfully resisted all the previous attempts to be cleaned on the doormat. The entire pile looks like its owner has just been chewed and spit out by the swamp monster, and Mana just cannot stand that. Without further thinking, he sweeps everything into his arms and throws it into the trash can, regardless of the material and emotional value of each item. Better not to see any of them anymore. To look at them would always mean to imagine how awful he must have looked like in front of his band members, Yukie and... in front of Étienne.

How could the man have looked at Mana with such respect and admiration in his eyes, when, at least in the second half of the night, Mana was as far from the beauty icon he usually represented as possible? Was it just an act, or was there a chance that despite of all that, Étienne still thought him beautiful? And what about the young man himself...? Did he at some point also loose his elegance, did he get covered in dirt, too, did his hair turn wild and his make-up smudged? If so… how was it possible that Mana didn´t notice any of that, that he only saw unearthly perfection in his companion even at the end of their adventure? Somehow, Mana´s thoughts, no matter what they started with, always come back to the boy eventually... And he has yet to decide whether he likes this fact or not.

It is probably just weariness that fills my head with such nonsense, he figures as he stops the stream of hot water and adds foam with essence of rose petals that he had brought from Japan. He finds himself in the strange state of mind that some people describe as similar to being on a drug-induced high, when one knows thats one´s body is beyond the point of exhaustion, one hasn´t slept in days, but one´s eyes are wide open, refusing to shut, and the mind still keeps working on and on, ignoring those facts. The hot steam raising from his tub, attacking his senses with its aroma, isn´t helping.

Testing the warmth of the water with one finger, he lets out a soft moan, almost unable to wait for its comforting embrace. One long leg after another, he climbs in, immediatelly disappearing under the surface completely, indulging in the moment of apparent drowning, which brings unexpected safety along. The guitarist knows too well that, taking the late hour into account, a quick shower would have been on place instead of a prolonged bubble bath, but he simply needs this feeling right now… besides, he is absolutely certain that there´s no possibility of him falling asleep. Not before soring the thoughts that are swarming in his head. All the experiences and impressions have to sink in at first…

He stood alone on the board of a warship, tears gathering in his eyes, longingly looking back to the coast of Japan. Knowing with certainty that he would never see his homeland again. Lonely... He was the only one who survived, and the flames were already licking at his feet. If only his voice hadn´t left him, he would have been screaming in pain... but he couldn´t. And who would have heard him anyway?

Wind gusts were becoming aggravatingly strong, helping the flames rise from the ocean and swallow Mana´s fragile body with unexpected force. In silent awe, he succumbed to the captivating melody that only the forces of nature allied with dark magic could compose, a melody as slow and sombre as the deep waters of the flaming sea itself. Falling into pieces, devoured by the burning flames and cradled by their boiling waves at the same time, he fell into solitary slumber. Slow rocking and wilder thrusts changed periodically…

There was no feeling left in his limbs, they ceased to exist... and his inner self was close to the black pit of nothingness, too. Unwillingly, he let himself fall through it into an unknown, alien dimension, gradually claimed by unconsciousness, where everything seemed like a puzzle made of frightening dreams. Yet, from a faraway place out of those hallucinations, he could hear soft tones of an ancient piano… The sounds of paradise. Sometimes, it even seemed that awakening was approaching, but the comforting music was always replaced by hellish guitars and deafening drums... the roaring of a prehistoric monster that calls those flaming waters his home.

Devoid of everything that used to make him human, a simple torso, Mana never stopped taking in the magic of the unearthly music that knew no borders. It floated into his body through all his organs, using all his senses, and eventually thin ropes, less visible than those of a cobweb, wrapped the leftovers of his body into an smooth cocoon. And somewhere deep inside, he knew that the hands producing the supernatural tone were white, elegant, attached to a slender body of a young boy with a mind of one who had seen the creation of the world... that the protective spiderweb was an elongation of those hands. When his body rose, carried on the wings of music, floating above the leftovers of his ashes like a Phoenix, Mana knew that together, they were aiming towards the shore.

Home.

2nd INTERMISSION: Another Version of the Truth

6th of September 2008, 11.25 PM

The paper is thin and handmade, using an ancient technology. Beautiful seafoam pattern in light tael color, embroidered on the sides. There are several pieces... It whispered tenderly in Mana´s fingers as he pulled the folded letter out of its crudely torn envelope. Seth has style, Mana smiled for himself, appreciating the kanji signs written in black ink rather than with a regular ball pen. Under different circumstances, he would have read the letter immediately upon recieving it – after all, it was supposed to contain important news and explanations. For a person who has never spent several days behind the bars, it would be beyond understanding why he didn´t. Indeed, he had been eager to know from the minute when Katsuo put the envelope into his hands on, yet...

It resembled some kind of ritual, the way he approached this. After all the time of his inprisonment, spent in utter desperation a loneliness with nothing but his own dark thoughts to entertain himself with, a letter, no matter if the information it contained would be positive or negative, was a blessing for the man. He had to relish such a gift properly before sinking back into musing about his unwelcome fate. There were questions to be pondered, guesses to be made, expectations to be outlined, before getting to know the actual content of the letter. If he had read Seth´s message immediately, all would have been already over... It would have been impossible for him to spend a day just thinking about it, and looking forwards to it. An entire day filled with pleasant thoughts of something as wonderful as a letter from the outside would have gone to waste!

Mana closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Without this encouragement, he wouldn´t be able to read more than the first line: „Dear Mana-Sama“. Maybe, he tried to persuade himself, this will provide me one more day… A day of afterthoughts and contemplating about the letter… One more day of clinging to something real, material… Another day of being saved from the insanity the separation and boredom will undeniably cast upon me, sooner or later...  Soothed by that hope, finally, he was ready to read.

„Dear Mana-sama,

Before saying anything else, let me first express my utmost sympathy for your situation. Although I know that you are not the kind of person who would ask sympathy of others, I do feel great pain knowing how you probably feel like, and that there is nothing I can do to make it even slightly better and easier for you. Please, do not sink into misery. You are a strong person who reached a lot in life. This is just another obstacle that I am certain you will overcome eventually and reappear even stronger and more powerful, with knowledge you can use later in life and share with others. I believe in you, and so do the rest of your friends.

Perhaps it will comfort you a bit to know that everyone is alright, although we worry a lot about you. From what I know, all your acquitances have been – or will be very soon – interrogated, but noone has been accused, and noone has spoken a word against you. As for the business matters, we have put the band on hold, but it will be waiting for you (WE will be waiting for you) whenever you are able to join us again. Your assistants from Middi-Nette and all your shops are managing well so far, and they asked me to inform you that sales have gone up swiftly in recent days. You know, negative add is still an add, right? They have been wondering whether you would like to appoint a temporary director. You can think about it and tell me your decision, I shall make it happen.

Now, please, forgive me, but I have to bring something unpleasant, too. Postponing it would only be unfair towards you. It concerns K... I bet you are worried about him, and although the positive news is that he is not, and has never been imprisoned, there´s quite a painful downside to this. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but someone has to. The reason why they didn´t arrest him is that he had in fact cooperated with them from the start. It was him who made your hiding place known to the police. Understand, though, that it wasn´t his intention to put you into this situation. He had been hoping that the police would simply remove Étienne from your life. Neither me, nor the others had known about this until he admitted it several days ago during a long debate we had. He did so with tears in his eyes, swearing to us that he had done it all for your sake, in belief that Étienne was a great danger to you and everyone concerned, which you refused to see, blinded by love and Étienne´s power of persuasion.

You have every right to be angry with him - after all, everyone else is, maybe even hate him, but… just know he meant well. In this weird way, he meant to protect you. But he forgot in his fear that Étienne was manipulating you, that you were, as he said, „his puppet“, that by this action he would do exactly the same. By misusing your trust and revealing your position, he took away your right to decide about your fate yourself.

To be totally honest, now that I know what Étienne did, I am very happy that he is gone from our lives, too. But despite of that, I understand what you felt for him, and regardless of everything else, I appreciate one thing: how happy he made you. Now… Although I would like to ask you to follow every piece of advice Katsuo is going to give you, because he knows what is legally the best thing to do – that is, the thing that would ultimately lead to your release - I won´t do it, because I am not going to make the same mistake like K and abuse your right to influence your own life. I believe you will make the best decision, the only decision that is right for you: the one that is not going to bring you any regrets. Remember, you are strong, and you have friends outside who will always support you.

Thinking of you...

Seiji

P.S.: In case you don´t know, you have rights for visits (one hour in total) every Sunday and for one personal call a week. Katsuo promised to arrange it that they let you use this right. You may also see your lawyer twice a week – of course, only if you decided to take one. “

He folded the letter and put it back into the envelope, then hid it all under his mattress, all with mechanical movements. There, he sat down carefully, as if he could burn himself on the words soaking through the material that so-called bed was made of, as if he was afraid of them becoming imprinted on the white skin of his body as surely as they had been already engraved into his tortured mind. Silently, motionlessly, Mana watched his surroundings with wide-open eyes: the dim, dark room, the unwelcoming steel of the wash basin the tap of which would never stop dripping, the toilet he had hidden from view by covering it with a spare blanket of an uncertain color, half eaten by moths, the greyish wall, on which only spare spots still showed that it had been painted once. The single lightbulb that illuminated the cell at odd times, but was always switched off when he needed it. The heavy door, his biggest enemy, a massive gate that would forever keep him inside. The small window, too high for him to look out – and even if he did, what would he see? Skies and trees, or grey walls of a building opposed to his? Maybe imagining what could be behind it was better than experiencing disappointment with his view.

He watched for a minute... he watched for an hour. He watched forever. Such a small cell, yet so hollow. Or rather... full. Full of empty spaces. It could have been sinister, it could have been cruel, it could have been surreal, it could have been detestable, it could have been devastating, but it was nothing… Just like the insides of his mind. Barren.

It would have been right to feel something, anything, when there were so many things to feel. He could have been grateful for knowing. He could have wished not to know. He could have laughed at his foolishness for putting trust in someone – again, and being bethrayed – again. He could have been confused, wondered why… and how. He could have cursed fate for always letting him get close exactly to those people who would, willingly or unwillingly, make him suffer. He could have thanked fate for still having people like Seth to miss him, pray for him and comfort him through their words. He could have hated K for treating him like a lunatic and casting him into prison to be in fact turned into one for real. And, most importantly… he could have hated himself for wishing the one who stayed faithful had been K, his voice, not Seth.

There were so many feelings attacking him from all sides, though, that he couldn´t afford himself to feel them, because then they would all join up and devour him. If he opened the gate that held them locked outside of his soul, they would come pouring in like a waterfall, sweeping up everything… He would feel them all at once, in the very same moment... And, that much he knew, the waterfall of emotions might then change into a flood of tears he would never be able to stop. Part of him prayed that it would happen, the other part dreaded it.

Ironically, inside the emptyness, the thought that emerged first was a memory of Gackt. "A real warrior never allows himself to feel pain, never cries", he had once told Mana when the guitarist was watching the vocalist excercising with his katanas. „What does he do then?“ Mana had asked out of duty, expecting Gackt had only just started one of his monologues. "A real hero jumps onto his horse and rides out into the heart of nature… far away from what had originally hurt him, and then he stops and lets out a single scream, the longest, loudest scream he is able to produce, from the bottom of his soul. Through that, he lets the pain out and absorbs the power of those things that heard him into himself, acquiring strenght in return." „Who could have heard a person that has ridden out into nature?“ Mana had wondered skeptically… Gackt had only smiled in reply, putting the katana down to wipe his forehead with the back of his hand. "The trees have heard him,  of course, and the grass… the eagles in the skies have heard him, the wolves roaming the woods have, the mountains and the lakes… and the echo has brought him their power, greater than the power of men."